Before the Bad Day - Tales of Conker and Berri
by A Badger Which Writes
Summary: The squirrel and the chipmunk have always stuck together. It felt right. Yet, after more than ten years, the spark was fading and they find themselves struggling to see why they're an item in the first place. In their mutual peeves towards each other every day, every tiny moment of affection feels genuine. Assorted drabbles, about a month before Conker's Bad Fur Day.
1. In which Conker Stinks at Yoga

It was late in the afternoon. Conker was sitting on the couch, playing a video game. But yet, he wasn't very focused. An owl hooted outside. It sounded familiar to him, somehow. He felt the nagging feeling to meet up with the owl, but denied it and got himself a snack.

As he sat down again and spooned the yoghurt into his hungry little squirrel mouth, he pondered the somewhat sour aftertaste, but thought nothing of it. It's better than a fatty, greasy pizza.

He had the house to himself. Berri, his girlfriend, was out teaching aerobics for some spare bucks. She was the only one of the two who not only finished high school but was also planning on going to college as soon as she had the money to do so. Sometimes, Conker felt a bit inadequate compared to her. Like now. When he was sitting about on his big butt, feeding himself fatty foods. She'd do well giving him some aerobics lessons as well.

He shrugged it off, even if the idea made him chuckle. He should ask her about it.

Once he finished his food, he wiped his mouth clean and went to continue his game.

Time passed quicker than he thought. A few hours later, somewhere around the evening, the door slammed and he heard the faint sound of keys clinking on the dresser.

Conker was lounging in his own filth, surrounded by empty chips bags and a few empty beer cans. He quickly scampered around to throw it away and hid whatever he couldn't under the couch. If he didn't, he'd never hear the end of it.

Berri entered the room. Her hair was undone and she didn't have any make-up on. Conker wondered why, but wasn't interested enough to ask. He wasn't interested enough to ask about anything, really. But seeing her with her hair loose always turned him on... he quickly put a pillow on his lap, looking about shiftily.

"Hey, Conker." Berri's voice sounded empty, and tired. As if she went all day without having a snack or anything. "Like, what have you been doing?"

Conker made a raspberry noise. "Same ol'. Tryin' to finish this dang game. I've been stuck on this one level. Heh."

But she was already in the kitchen. When she came back, Conker didn't need to see her to know she was annoyed.

"Like, y'know, the yoghurt I was saving? Did you, like, eat it, or something?"

Conker grinned wryly, and just to rub it in, he burped. "Was delish."

"Oh, shove it, you." Berri stomped off again, and returned to sit on the couch next to her dimunitive boyfriend. She was holding a bag of dry prawn crackers and was eating them one by one. Her feet clinked against a beer bottle and she cringed. That squirrel's drinking habits were the worst she could imagine. She'd find bottles everywhere - in the bathroom, under his bed, in the sink. Sometimes she hated being the responsible one.

Yet, something about it felt good. She needed him, and he needed her.

The TV was on, and they idly watched it. Conker snuck his hand against her arm, up her sleeve, and into her shirt. When she looked at him, he had his eyes half-lidded and he smiled a bit, tilting his head and making a soft squeaking noise. Sounded a bit like a meow, almost.

She realized that being mad at him would never last long. For all his bad habits, he sure was cute. Berri took it in stride that he groped her breast.

"How'd your aerobics go, Berri, luv," said Conker while he panted, nuzzling her neck. "Bet there were lots of sweaty babes. Big, beautiful, sweaty babes."

Berri rolled her eyes. She was too tired to think of frisky business. "Mostly old guys." She shook the hair out of her face. Her hand went on Conker's head where it rubbed his left ear with a thumb and index finger. Conker went into a quiet bout of ecstacy, as his eyes flickered shut and he made a throaty growl. Berri smirked. "And it's, like, yoga, honey. Not aerobics. There's, like, a difference?"

Conker opened one eye. "Maybe you gotta teach me some? I feel like I'm gaining weight. Wanna lose it. So I look good for the babes. I mean- for you."

"Sure, Conker. Sure." Berri shrugged and got up. "C'mon then, Conker, honey. I'll teach you some, like, easy ones."

Stretching out his body, the squirrel felt a quick and painful sting in his lower body. It made him concerned, but then realized it'd probably pass. He patted his stomach and followed her.

0000

Berri was on all fours, with her back and butt arched in a perfect triangle. Her tall, slender body allowed for her to do it easily. Conker, who was next to her, wasn't as successful. His plump buttocks did point up, but his legs were too short to support the pose. He groaned trying to keep up, while Berri found herself relaxing.

"Yoga is, like, an ancient way of becoming one with your body," said Berri. "It's totally awesome if you know how it works. The feeling of feeling like nothing matters except existing."

Conker rolled his eyes at that floaty mumbo-jumbo. This pose was awkward for him to maintain. As great as it was to admire Berri's curves from this angle, he was as athletic as the average hardwood plank. And that unpleasant feeling in his gut wasn't helping either. He sighed deeply.

"Conker? You okay?"

"Yeh- yeh, I'm fine, Berri." It was getting horribly painful for him to fight against his gut pains and maintain this pose, and felt he had two options now. One would be quick and disappointing, the other would gross the both of them out.

He went with the latter.

Berri was about to explain some more on the history of yoga up to modern times when she heard a horribly loud, unpleasant fart.

"Ugh! Conker!"

In response, Conker collapsed on the floor, face first. "I'm sowwy!" he lisped. "My gut was killin' me!"

Usually he'd joke about it, but somehow, he found himself extremely vulnerable now. Berri was still cringing, but resumed a regular posture and picked up her small boyfriend under his arms, dangling his lower body up in the air.

He grinned at her, sheepishly, and gave a tiny wave. "Hi, Berri."

"You're gross. But you're also, like, too cute for your own good."

Conker chuckled, then gave her a wink and finger pistols, clicking his tongue. "Do I know it, toots."

Berri gave a somewhat sarcastic but sincere smile, and nonchalantly dropped him on the floor. "Don't act all flirty on me. Ready for, like, round two?"

Conker nodded.

Berri rubbed her arm, thinking to herself. "Let's... for the sake of my nose, let's skip the Wind Removing pose."

"The wha?"

"Exactly what it says on the tin."

Even though the initial surprise embarrassed him, Conker began to realize he might as well take it in stride. And the mere idea was enough to make him laugh, at least. He hoped Berri had enough of a sense of humour left for this day.

Berri gave a deep sigh, holding her hands together and pointing her butt out with her knees bent. "Like, this one is called the Eagle Pose..."

"This one's called "smell the roses.""

And as Conker said that, he again let one loose.

Berri covered her nose, and lost it. "Conker! Can't you take this seriously? You're making fun of, like, an ancient technique that's been around for so long and- ugh!"

Conker was giggling like an immature teenager, rolling on his little mattress. "For someone with such a cute face, you sure can get awful angry." He pointed at her, accusingly. "Don't tell me you don't fart."

"I'm a girl, honey. Girls don't fart," said Berri in a deadpan voice. After all her snarky boyfriend's contributed, she felt it apt to respond with sarcasm as well sometimes. "This ain't gonna work. Let's, like, just lazy around together. You do that so well."

She, again, picked up her small little weirdo of a boyfriend and carried him to the couch, since she figured she probably wouldn't be able to teach him anything.

Why was he so gassy anyway? Might've been in that yoghurt. She quietly thought to herself that it was good of him to eat it, instead of her eating it. Considering that if he didn't, well, obvious. She'd be the one with the gas. And she really wasn't up for that after a long day of instructing old man to maintain yoga poses.

"Ey, Berri," said Conker. He was laying on the couch spread-eagle, and the big bushy tail just went over the back. His head was against Berri's thigh. He extended his hand, pointing. "Pull my finger."

Sigh. Berri decided to amuse him and do it anyway. The results were obvious, yet Conker cracked up again. It wasn't like they could do anything else at this hour than lay around.

"You are so gross."

"But ya looooove me," said Conker in a sing-songy voice. "Looove me and my big butt."

He turned around and bobbed his arse up and down next to her. His tail swished about playfully. Berri swatted it away, and inched closer to the edge of the seat, away from him. Conker gave a whiny noise in protest, and crawled on her lap, facing his gut at her. He unzipped his jacket to give her a good view of his soft, fluffy tummy.

"C'mon?" he mumbled, ever so softly. Almost uncharacteristically.

Berri knew what this means. Squirrels love having their tummy petted, and Conker loved to just lay on her lap like a fat lazy cat while she did. She begrudgingly obliged, taking in the quiet around her and the soft mewls of her boyfriend. His leg twitched a bit, and he chuckled. "Ohohoh... yeeeeah, that's good..."

Berri's facial expression softened. He wasn't that bad, really. But her little tender moment lasted not long, for as soon as she applied a tiny bit too much pressure on his belly, the gas went flying again with a long-winded squeak.

One relieved sigh from the lazy Conker later, and Berri didn't even bother to say anything about it. Maybe it made him feel better? And he did inadvertently take the bullet for her in terms of spoilt yoghurt that she was initially going to eat.

"I'm sorry, Berri. Must'a been somethin' in that yoghurt I ate. Heh heh..."

It could be worse, she thought as she fanned away the smell in front of her face. It could always be worse.


	2. In which Berri discovers a dancing baby

The dim light of the computer illuminated the little home's wooden walls, and it made Conker's eyes hurt. He was spending way too much time on the early internet than was healthy for him, but it was a relaxing pastime nonetheless.

He was waiting for an important email. He finally went out to get a job, and they said they would contact him via email - something he was still new to. Though the sleep was getting to him, Berri was out working again, and he really, really, really, really, really badly wanted to crawl into his cot and drift off.

Maybe not.

Stretching out his limbs and stumbling a little, he went to get some soda to keep him up and quell his queasiness.

When Conker returned, he almost dropped his drink. A new email! That must be the job he applied for. A huge grin came upon his face, and he eagerly sat down to open it. His tail neatly wrapped around the chair.

Though when the mail was opened, the thing he was met with was a poorly-rendered animated gif of a dancing infant. He squinted, getting closer to the screen. A dancing baby. What was the purpose of this? Who sent this dumb thing? It's a dancing baby, for goodness sakes - it's not like his work was joking with him. Was it?

Then he saw the email address from the sender; the name of his girlfriend stood out right away. Berri B. Hazel.

Goodness darn it, Berri. She probably snuck on the computer at her work to send this dumb picture to all her friends and was probably cracking up that very moment.

Immediately, Conker clicked "reply" in a futile attempt to put a stop to this nonsense.

"Hey babe,

i love you and all but is that picture really necessary. i am waiting for a very important message and basically kindly sod off with your weird in-jokes, ok? thank you.

angry regards,

Conker."

He pressed "send" and leaned back, putting his arms behind his back. After all, some boundaries oughta be established. And maybe, just maybe, he was a bit of a sourpuss, but there's a time and place for everything.

Then his mail blooped. And bleeped. And blooped again. Now, this was concerning; where was his important reply? If it was there, it was buried in a flood of dancing baby chain mails. Conker growled audibly to himself, but they came faster than he could click "delete"; soon the old, crappy computer decided to call it quits and crashed. More anger resulted. Though it had no effect, he violently shook the monitor, but eventually gave up, leaned on his knee, and sighed.

Maybe it was a sign that he needed to go to bed after all.


End file.
